Ahhh...I don't feel like such a little black rain cloud anymore.  The three weeks entailing birth control pills and the stims shots were sooo not ok with me.  I'd have my daily doc appointment for blood draw and ultrasound and every day I'd cry to the nurse, cry to the doctor, cry for no reason, cry on the drive back to work...I just cried.  A lot.  They always gave me the same perplexed look, telling me that nausea is not a common complaint with the meds but OMG i was sick.  I spent a week and a half dragging my toosh out of bed (in tears), trying to get myself at least a little ready and then holding back puke while driving to work.  Then it was a struggle to make it thru the day without actually vomiting...on people...or myself.  The bathroom at work is dangerously far from my desk.  I manage to make it thru each day, although I'm not sure how.  Those were some dark days and I know it probably sounds so silly, but something in those meds did NOT agree with me.  It sounds ridiculous but I couldn't even fathom being pregnant and surviving pregnancy because I was so depressed and anxious.    I feared 9 months of extreme  morning sickness, I feared even 3 months of morning sickness and I was a CRY BABY.  But.....that is now all in the past.  FOREVER.  Thank goodness!  We had our egg retrieval last Wednesday.  I was worried that it would be a bad day, I didn't know what to expect (pain wise) and I dreaded having to go back to work the next day.  Being as I just started my new job I didn't feel like I had the luxury of taking an extra day to rest, especially with my needing to come in late everyday after my monitoring appointments.  I was pleasantly surprised; however, because it wasn't too bad.  I was given Propofol (ala Michael Jackson lol) and dozed off for the first time in a couple weeks.  I woke up later feeling sore, but not near as sore as before.  They retrieved 21 eggs!  And that, friends, explains the pain I had all week during my stims phase.  Ovaries aren't meant to swell to the size of a small fist, nor are they meant to produce more than one egg a cycle.  So, eggs evicted and I was feeling much better.

The next day we got a call letting us know that from the 21 eggs we now have 13 embryos!  Woot!  More than enough for a few cycles...but let's just handle this one at a time, k?  Our transfer is this afternoon and we are so excited!  We've switched from the stims shots to now progesterone in my toosh and that takes this to a new level of entertainment.

Anyway...more to come later, today's the big day!

So Not Sweet...

This is sooooo.not.fun.  I am pretty miserable :(  I have cramps, bloating and swelling ovaries...I made it to church this morning by the third hour of the block (if that gives you an idea of the pain I have been in)... I hope getting to Dr. Knock Me Up and then to work tomorrow will be easier.  I have blood work (again...again...and again...) and ultrasound first thing tomorrow and I am already sick of sticking myself, being stuck and making the drive to and from downtown Phoenix.

Last night was pretty hilarious, at least looking back now it is.  At the time, I had two syringes staring at me and I just.couldn't.do.it.  I "pinched my inch" and held the syringe and almost followed through about a hundred times.  Each time I'd drop the syringe on the table, pull my hair and groan.  Let me say...it is one thing to be stuck by a nurse when you can look away and wince while distracting yourself...But it is something else entirely to try and stick yourself.  I managed...thought it'd be easier tonight but honestly, it wasn't that much easier.  And now I find myself dreading one of the other medications I start at some point this week.  The nurse explained that if I don't ice for any other injection, to ice for this one because she has been told the needles are DULL!  Dull!  Are you kidding me?!

My anxiety is through the roof,  I haven't cooked for a week, and have barely stayed on top of laundry.  (And, let's not forget I started my new job last week so am tackling that on top of this).  I worry about the amount of money we have invested in this and how I will ever get us caught up...I have moments of unexplained tears, moments of tears because the pain is debilitating, and tears when I think about how overwhelming pregnancy seems on top of everything I am having to do just to attain (maybe) pregnancy.  Somebody help me...I am a MESS!!!  A whiney, teary, uncomfortable, stressed out mess!  Code tells me I need to relax and be strong...easier said than done.  I just need a cry.  I want more than anything just to be able to get pregnant the old fashioned normal way!  This is so much harder than I was expecting.  SO MUCH HARDER...

Needin' Needles

Well...operation Knock Me Up continues...I had my first "monitoring" appointment Wednesday, where  my doctor performed my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  Good news:  No more birth control pills (from here on out referred to as BCP's bc I am lazy and I want to so I will, k?) Bad news:  shots on the way.  Dr. Knock Me Up counted 8 little follicles on lefty and 10 little follies on righty :)  Follies hopefully develop into mature sized healthy solid eggs with the help of drugs-hooray!  I was told I have a "sneaky uterus."  Isn't that cute..."sneaky"...commonly called retroverted/retroflexed helpless....A sneaky uterus does not a baby make-not without the help of Dr Knock Me Up  placing the embryo into said "sneaky" uterus.  Not so cute...eh?

Moving on...I rushed to the Apothecary Shop at lunch today to pick up the remainder of my drugs.  My oh so sweet hubby rushed to the shop (since it took WAY longer than I anticipated) to pick up the drugs from me, drop off some lunch and take said drugs home to our awaiting refrigerator!  I made it back to work just in time, scarfing my chicken nuggets in the parking garage and walking into the dental institute with my mouth full...it was a hot mess fer sure.  I figured I was good to go, till I arrived home and more closely inspected my drugs...and noticed I am missing the syringes and needles to go along with the Menopur...This is a drug that comes as two separate vials-one with liquid and one with powder.  I am to draw the liquid into a syringe, gently dispense into the powder vial, swish, draw back into syringe and inject...I have no syringe...no needles...no way to administer the meds I am to start Saturday.  So...I left a panicked voicemail for my favorite Nurse knock me up and will see what she says tomorrow...hubby is on stand by to pick up needles and syringes from wherever they may be-either the dr.'s office in downtown Phoenix or the Apothecary Shop...bleh...

Saturday (7/14) and Sunday's (7/15) schedule:

**100 units Follistim via Follipen
**Menopur

I can already see dollar signs...200 total units of Follistim this weekend...is worth a lot of money...600 units of Follistim, four syringes of Ganorylex and the Menopur set this fam back almost $1600...yikes...Let's hope my bum ovaries respond well to the meds and produce some good follies with as little medication as possible.  I'm supposedly young and healthy so that is the plan...

And again...off to Dr. Knock Me Up Monday, the 16th for another monitoring appointment.  Blood work and ultrasound.  Hooray.  Oh and my abrupt discontinuation of bcps's has brought on a second period in two weeks.  Life is fab round these parts...Thinking of the bigger picture....Hoping for a positive outcome...Afraid of a not so positive outcome...Must think positive.  How does one think positive without getting hopes up?  Is this possible?  I really don't want to come crashing down at the end of this if we fail...It's kind of our one and only shot for a while since $$ doesn't grow on my tree :(  Only leaves that demolish my clean pool do...

Eeeeeeesh.......

And this is the content of my fridge these days...needles, syringes, and hormones....hooray!

Operation Knock-Me-Up Cont...

Sitting in the "teaching" room...learning more than I want to know about needles, drug mixing, etc...and I only have on question:  "Nurse Shelly, nurse that I love, did I mention I love you?....Can you PULEEEEZ give me something for the nausea, I think the birth control pills are slowly killing me.  Honestly.  I am dying a slow, miserable death by OCP's..."  Her reply..."Nope, nothing. Now buck up buttercup!"   The End.  Now back to my regularly scheduled puking.

And consent signing....You know...the regular...like if Cody dies can I use the embryos (sorry baby you don't have  a choice, I already x'd the yes box...sign or die, sign or die. ;)..And if I die, can Cody use the embryos...and if we were to divorce, we would have to fight over our unborn children/frozen embryos in court...so bizarrrrrrrre...And, if we move and they can't find us after three years we lose custody of our unborn children and they become frozen orphans...how sad and lonely...I left with my head spinning and my fridge is now filled with needles, syringes, and drugs...

Stay tuned because the fun starts the 14th! :) Barf.....