So Not Sweet...

This is sooooo.not.fun.  I am pretty miserable :(  I have cramps, bloating and swelling ovaries...I made it to church this morning by the third hour of the block (if that gives you an idea of the pain I have been in)... I hope getting to Dr. Knock Me Up and then to work tomorrow will be easier.  I have blood work (again...again...and again...) and ultrasound first thing tomorrow and I am already sick of sticking myself, being stuck and making the drive to and from downtown Phoenix.

Last night was pretty hilarious, at least looking back now it is.  At the time, I had two syringes staring at me and I just.couldn't.do.it.  I "pinched my inch" and held the syringe and almost followed through about a hundred times.  Each time I'd drop the syringe on the table, pull my hair and groan.  Let me say...it is one thing to be stuck by a nurse when you can look away and wince while distracting yourself...But it is something else entirely to try and stick yourself.  I managed...thought it'd be easier tonight but honestly, it wasn't that much easier.  And now I find myself dreading one of the other medications I start at some point this week.  The nurse explained that if I don't ice for any other injection, to ice for this one because she has been told the needles are DULL!  Dull!  Are you kidding me?!

My anxiety is through the roof,  I haven't cooked for a week, and have barely stayed on top of laundry.  (And, let's not forget I started my new job last week so am tackling that on top of this).  I worry about the amount of money we have invested in this and how I will ever get us caught up...I have moments of unexplained tears, moments of tears because the pain is debilitating, and tears when I think about how overwhelming pregnancy seems on top of everything I am having to do just to attain (maybe) pregnancy.  Somebody help me...I am a MESS!!!  A whiney, teary, uncomfortable, stressed out mess!  Code tells me I need to relax and be strong...easier said than done.  I just need a cry.  I want more than anything just to be able to get pregnant the old fashioned normal way!  This is so much harder than I was expecting.  SO MUCH HARDER...

Needin' Needles

Well...operation Knock Me Up continues...I had my first "monitoring" appointment Wednesday, where  my doctor performed my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  Good news:  No more birth control pills (from here on out referred to as BCP's bc I am lazy and I want to so I will, k?) Bad news:  shots on the way.  Dr. Knock Me Up counted 8 little follicles on lefty and 10 little follies on righty :)  Follies hopefully develop into mature sized healthy solid eggs with the help of drugs-hooray!  I was told I have a "sneaky uterus."  Isn't that cute..."sneaky"...commonly called retroverted/retroflexed helpless....A sneaky uterus does not a baby make-not without the help of Dr Knock Me Up  placing the embryo into said "sneaky" uterus.  Not so cute...eh?

Moving on...I rushed to the Apothecary Shop at lunch today to pick up the remainder of my drugs.  My oh so sweet hubby rushed to the shop (since it took WAY longer than I anticipated) to pick up the drugs from me, drop off some lunch and take said drugs home to our awaiting refrigerator!  I made it back to work just in time, scarfing my chicken nuggets in the parking garage and walking into the dental institute with my mouth full...it was a hot mess fer sure.  I figured I was good to go, till I arrived home and more closely inspected my drugs...and noticed I am missing the syringes and needles to go along with the Menopur...This is a drug that comes as two separate vials-one with liquid and one with powder.  I am to draw the liquid into a syringe, gently dispense into the powder vial, swish, draw back into syringe and inject...I have no syringe...no needles...no way to administer the meds I am to start Saturday.  So...I left a panicked voicemail for my favorite Nurse knock me up and will see what she says tomorrow...hubby is on stand by to pick up needles and syringes from wherever they may be-either the dr.'s office in downtown Phoenix or the Apothecary Shop...bleh...

Saturday (7/14) and Sunday's (7/15) schedule:

**100 units Follistim via Follipen
**Menopur

I can already see dollar signs...200 total units of Follistim this weekend...is worth a lot of money...600 units of Follistim, four syringes of Ganorylex and the Menopur set this fam back almost $1600...yikes...Let's hope my bum ovaries respond well to the meds and produce some good follies with as little medication as possible.  I'm supposedly young and healthy so that is the plan...

And again...off to Dr. Knock Me Up Monday, the 16th for another monitoring appointment.  Blood work and ultrasound.  Hooray.  Oh and my abrupt discontinuation of bcps's has brought on a second period in two weeks.  Life is fab round these parts...Thinking of the bigger picture....Hoping for a positive outcome...Afraid of a not so positive outcome...Must think positive.  How does one think positive without getting hopes up?  Is this possible?  I really don't want to come crashing down at the end of this if we fail...It's kind of our one and only shot for a while since $$ doesn't grow on my tree :(  Only leaves that demolish my clean pool do...

Eeeeeeesh.......

And this is the content of my fridge these days...needles, syringes, and hormones....hooray!

Operation Knock-Me-Up Cont...

Sitting in the "teaching" room...learning more than I want to know about needles, drug mixing, etc...and I only have on question:  "Nurse Shelly, nurse that I love, did I mention I love you?....Can you PULEEEEZ give me something for the nausea, I think the birth control pills are slowly killing me.  Honestly.  I am dying a slow, miserable death by OCP's..."  Her reply..."Nope, nothing. Now buck up buttercup!"   The End.  Now back to my regularly scheduled puking.

And consent signing....You know...the regular...like if Cody dies can I use the embryos (sorry baby you don't have  a choice, I already x'd the yes box...sign or die, sign or die. ;)..And if I die, can Cody use the embryos...and if we were to divorce, we would have to fight over our unborn children/frozen embryos in court...so bizarrrrrrrre...And, if we move and they can't find us after three years we lose custody of our unborn children and they become frozen orphans...how sad and lonely...I left with my head spinning and my fridge is now filled with needles, syringes, and drugs...

Stay tuned because the fun starts the 14th! :) Barf.....

My Sweet New Gig :)

Friends, I have finally done it!  I have FINALLY found a way out of the life sucking, brain eating, little dark cloud that is my current job...I won't name names...you know...just in case.  Those of you who know me at all know I have been with the same office for almost eight years and it's time to move  on.  And what a sweet move this is!  After two completely intimidating, nerve wracking, nail biting job interviews and two reference/background checks I have been offered a position with MidWestern University!  Hollllllllaaaaaaa!  Amazing university, amazing company, amazing employer, amazing benefits.  I am so very excited for this new chapter in our life.  IVF, and an amazing new job.  Guys...I think life is finally happening for me....for us...

Prayers please everyone-operation knock-me-up officially kicks off tomorrow am with blood work and an ultrasound..the fun kind...;)

Well hellllooooo CD1 :)

Oh day one....I've been waiting for you...longing for you...counting down the days...killer cramps, some GI distress, yes, CD1 I love you.

But just this once...because...this month...you are the beginning.  The beginning of a new adventure!  The beginning of Cody+Melissa=baby maybe?  I see Dr Knock-Me-Up wednesday for baseline ultrasound and blood work and, ironically enough, start birth control pills that day as well...I know...weird.  I can't get pregnant to save my life and to start the knock-me-up process they put me on pills to prevent...lol...Anywhoosies...July 2nd we go for our teaching visit where we pick up the drugs...and...needles....shudderrrrrr.....And learn how to "use" them....From there, I take the pills till the 10th, see Dr Knock-Me-Up on the 11th, start the needles on the 14th, blood work and ultrasound monitoring daily the week of the 15th and hopefully....egg retrieval on the 23rd!  And, transplantation 3-5 days after that...So...I am cautiously, anxiously excited...nervous...scared...terrified...mostly of the heartbreak I know is coming if this first round doesn't work...eek...Let's not think that thought...Not just yet...MUST think positive.

I Heart My RE

I have to say...I LOVE my baby doc.  Not only is he compassionate and gentle (which-let me say...is important when you have everyone up, in and around your parts lol) but he always has good news for me!  The Sono/Mock went well today, despite a little hiccup on my part...I forgot the part where I was supposed to take a pregnancy test this morning and bring it with me in a baggie to the appointment...Totally spaced that...up until the point where I was sitting in the waiting room...I freaked, explained to the receptionist and asked if I had time to run to Walgreens...And that's that.  Off to Walgreens, buy a pee test AND baggies...utilize Walgreens bathroom (after waiting for a manager to unlock the door for me...puleeeeez how embarrassing) insert pee stick into baggie and race back down to the office.  After that it was all fun and games.  I mean-what's more fun than catheters, stirrups and pelvic ultrasound probes?  Happy Monday to ME!  MORE PLEASE! ;)

The Sono/Mock transfer revealed a beautiful (although retroverted and retroflexed-whatever that means) uterus just waiting for embryos!  So...now we wait...I never thought I'd be excited for my monthly to come and birth control pills to start...but I want it!  I want it now!  If all goes well, I will have blood work checking hormone levels on Cycle Day 3 and Cycle Day 10.  From there we start the stimulation-lots of needles, lots of medication, and hopefully NOT a lot of fainting...I hope Cody is ready because HE will be the one administering the fun juice.  I just dont think I can give myself a shot...and this is twice a day people...Pregnancy will be like nothing after two weeks of shots and hormones.  (And none of you better rain on my parade and tell me how difficult pregnancy will be-I choose to be ignorant and naive.  Pregnancy will be sunshine and kittens, ok?)

All we ask is prayers that the doctors will have wisdom and skilled hands and that my body will do what it is supposed to do...And maybe...just maybe I will have a fetus instead of crocodiles in my uterus come August...LOTS of prayers please!